Log in

A moment on the lips... [entries|friends|calendar]

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[28 Sep 2006|01:45am]
I got depressed

so i ate

ican't believe it. i ate and ate for some time now

i cant even tell anyone how much i weigh...

from now on ill only eat small meals when im hungry, no more than 1200 cals a day
where did my strength go, i need someone here

over 140 pounds? and last year i was 118? It can't be

and my skin exploded, im so stressed out and im yelling at everyone and crying every night
i missed lj, and im going to post some food/diary/feeling entries starting tomorrow and beyond

I miss a world where I can at least relate to someone, anyone
2 kisses|kiss me

[30 Jun 2006|09:59am]
Under 800 cals, no more today...

Sorry, I'm a bit sad. I told a boy I liked him that I've had a crush on him for awhile, and all he said was Thanks for Telling me.

I expected something different. Maybe, "I feel the same way." Maybe I watch too many movies. Or maybe I'm just hideous, boring, and unlovable inside and out.

That would make sense, because I am so afraid of rejection that I mustered up the courage to tell him and I got rejected. It turns out it feels bad, but not as bad as I thought. I think that this somehow made me stronger, and made me see that I can hadle rejection (so therefore I'm not so shy about doing certain things).

Wow this morning was 135, mostly because I drank tons of water at nightime. I was thirsty! Lol but it has been the same, 132-133.

I really wish a boy would love me. :(
kiss me

YAAAY [26 Jun 2006|06:37pm]

Lol if I heard myself talking a year ago I wouldn't believe I had gotten so fat... Still its good! I'm feeling more confident now than before.

1 cup cereal with milk - 150
apple - 50
yogurt - 50
coffee and milk, some sugar - 50

pita with light cream cheese and pickles - 250
apple - 50

turkey dog - 150
yogurt - 50
crackers - 100

-_- Yeah I didn't need the crackers, but oh well, 900 cals is still good for me. I went rock climbing too, for about two hours. I go about four times a week, for those who don't know. It's my favorite sport I've ever done (although I haven't started any competitions yet!) It really should be an olympic sport.
I need to post in my communities more. I think I will do it now. :) I am such a lurkler, and i don't mean to be.
1 kiss|kiss me

LOL [25 Jun 2006|06:11pm]
Btw I have lost one pound
After so much work from 135
I am now 134 YAY

Maybe tomorrow I will be 133, I have been so good today xD

Just wanted to share.
2 kisses|kiss me

Hey [25 Jun 2006|03:41pm]
2 oranges: 140
about 20 strawberries: 100
1 cup cherries: 50
coffee with milk and some sugar:50
whole wheat bun: hamburger, tomatoe, lettuce, and relish: 400
total: 740 cals

and I went bikeriding in the hot sun about half an hour ago, burning at least 600 cals. So that is good.

I have a math exam tomorrow, and I need to start studying! Eep! Good luck ladies!
1 kiss|kiss me

[24 Jun 2006|11:44pm]
a mango - around 100 I gotta check out exact numbers!
an orange - 40?
and a homemade chicken burger - 500
coffee with some milk - 30 ish

total: less than 700

All I did was study, study, study. I want to do excellent on my last two remaining provincials, and math is annoying to memorize all over again, as well as is science.
1 kiss|kiss me

BTW [16 Jun 2006|10:49pm]
I made a community to show how serious I am. xD

kiss me

Hey! [16 Jun 2006|08:24pm]
Progress pics behind the cut. This is my first post, so there hasn't been any progress. I guess I'll post every friday, whether I lose or not, perhaps it will be of my friends, or me, or other things. My weight was still 135 this morning, and it didn't budge. heres my food diary:

breakfast: 2 cup cereal 1 cup milk with 1 cereal bar - 400
lunch/dinner: (went to friends after fnial) pizza pop, chocolate muffin and chips (OMG) - 1000
total: 1400

My total isn't alot so I'm happy, but seriously thats disgusting. I felt like shit after too. No more junk for meeee! My french final was in the morning and I did pretty good, I think! Hopefully I will be 134 tomorrow, but I need to do my situps.

Read more...Collapse )
3 kisses|kiss me

[14 Jun 2006|08:12pm]
Hey, I'll start posting progress pictures of my progress tomorrow and then every week on thursdays. Hopefully that can motivate me, and others as well maybe... =) I've been staying the same weight, I had a bad food day but I ate very healthy today. I'm a bit dizzy right now and can't remember what I ate, but I promise to record!

I have a final today, and did well. Heehee.

So, I want to start cooking, but I basically know nothing about it. I think I have enough ingredients to cook healthy meals, but anyone know where I can find some simple menus that are deliciously nutricious? Thanks so much!

Thinspo behind cut...Collapse )
1 kiss|kiss me

[05 Jun 2006|06:34pm]
Hmm, this morning I was 135, which is better than I was before I guess. I'm pretty proud of myself today. However, a guy I liked is moving away, and I didn't even get to form a relationship with him. We're good friends, so this really sucks; I thought he liked me too. =(

Today was a good day eating-wise! Heres what I had (I always round up what I ate, btw.)

- 2 cups cereal with 1 cup milk: 300
- small banana: 100

-sandwich with ham and cheese and ww bread: 350

-leftover carrots from yesterday, bit more: 300
- crackers: 100
- small yogurt: 50

total 1200 cals
burned: 1500 resting + rock climbing (500) = 2000
loss: - 800 cals

Yay! I'm too tired to do sit-ups but I will do it tomorrow. Its so beautiful outside. Does anyone take walks by themselves, just randomely? I like being by myself, and I want to start going places alone more (ofcourse I have friends, but they won't be available now with all the finals coming up)
1 kiss|kiss me

Nooo [04 Jun 2006|05:42pm]
Stupid, that was yesterday. My only word for it. So, I decided to do a lifestyle change and start going to the gym again. I didnt realize how out of shape I was until I discovered I could only run one mile (and in 10 min!) I used to do 3 in about 22, so you can imagine the dissapointment. Still, its ok. I managed to burn 500 cals total, along with my friend the elliptical.

So I'm going to start going at 6:30am on Tuesdays, Fridays, and Sundays to the gym (each time increasing my running abilities, hopefully), while rock climbing the other 4 days.

Today I ate one meal:
salad with tomatoes and unknown dressing: 100c (at most, I have no idea what my mom put)
boiled carrots with sauce: 250c
rice: 250c
green tea gum: 0c

1 bottle water and two glasses

total: 600 cals

and I burned 500, along with what I burn daily (about 1500 cals) I'm saying I burned 2000 today.

So my total is:-1400 calories

1 kiss|kiss me

Wow... [03 Jun 2006|10:36pm]
I'm just sitting here, trying to remember the last time I was truly happy. I think it was around second grade, or third. My innocence was hurt by painful friends who turned everyone on me in fourth, and I've been distrustful of people ever since and have problems opening my true self up.

So, I binged on cereal. blah blah, I still went climbing and achieved something huge for me: my first 5.10d. EVER! It was a great accomplishment and food can't ruin it. I'll do a water fast tomorrow and fruit all day Moday, so hopefully everything will be ok.

I haven't binged in forever, so why today? Is it because my past keeps repeating in my head, and my sad present is so bothersome? The thing is, I really believe its my fault I don't stand up for myself, or can't talk to all people openly.
kiss me

[28 May 2006|06:48pm]
Today was ok. 1200 cals, and 136 in the morning (eeeeep I know) still, I'll get it down. I'll kill my cravings with gum or something.

I made Gemma Icons! These are my first set ever, so please don't judge TOO harshly. =)

click here for more...Collapse )
1 kiss|kiss me

[28 May 2006|12:05am]
I want to hide.
I had breakfast today, that was it. Life isn't going so good for me right now.

Is it so bad to be jealous that my sister is popular and has a boyfriend, yet is only 14 while I am 16 and alone? I feel all alone. No-one to share in my true thoughts, my raw feelings. I shed a tear, and my mom told me not to ruin my sisters day.

Just makes me want to shrivel up and dissapear, at least from this stupid place.

I know this is pessimistic, but I really feel like an outcast this whole month. I think I'll fast for a week, so how that goes.... Maybe not, but I really can't care for food at all now.
1 kiss|kiss me

[25 May 2006|03:06pm]
1500 for me already today. No more, and I'm going rock climbing in 2 hours so thats good. I'm doing that about 4x a week now, and I love it. I can climb 5.10c now (emphazize on CAN.) Still, considering I started 2 months ago that's amazing.

So, lets see. I'll try for 800 tomorrow. NO. It will be 800 tomorrow.

The scale hates me now, hates me more than ever. I'm too embarrassed to repeat what it screamed at me, because I can't believe I would sink so low. Not me. Not the perfectionist, the one who has goals and dreams. It can't be, it just can't.

I felt like the world swallowed me up today. I left school at 11:30 because I just didn't want to do anymore.
kiss me

I miss [24 May 2006|07:41pm]
It. I miss the feeling. It was wonderful - I always felt like I was a beautiful angel when I was thinner. Now, now, it doesn't feel that way. I thought I would feel better if I tried to give it up, gave into teptation, gave into the sins of gluttony; but I don't like my body at all now. I'm not trying, and I hate that my willpower has faded. It all started in November last year, and how, I have no idea.

Now, I just looked at my old thinspo. How much I love those bodies. How much I crave to look like that again.

I'm a mess.
kiss me

[10 Apr 2006|09:39pm]
I am being lazy and procrastinating my homework. Which is due tomorrow.
Seriously, I used to care alot about my future; now I feel as if I'm going with the flow and finally being happier, but I'm stopping my studies. I really need to put my mindset back.
Okay, science time, and no more excuses! ONTD is just too fascinating.
kiss me

[04 Apr 2006|10:04pm]
A math test tomorrow! My brain is in pain from my half an hour of homework (With 3 hours other hw, so that makes sense.) I hope I do well!
My birthday is soon, April 19! I will be going rock climbing which is fun. Now that the weather is warmer, I can wear all my nice pretty clothes which really rocks. I have hardly any winter clothing whatsoever; I despise winter with PASSION.

Some sidelighting tryouts... This is my beautiful best friend:

She's absolutely stunning.
kiss me

[02 Apr 2006|05:00pm]
I'm sitting here thinking about what to write. Comparing Animal Farm (book) and Wag the Dog (movie) is not very nice. The student teacher wasn't very clear, and I don't know where to go beyond all I've got already, which are the 3 topics to discuss.
Damn politics. I like you, yet I hate you. At least, I hate talking about you.

And so, my mind is wandering. I have so far taken all day to finish my math homework (which remains unfinished) my science homework, and some log thing for Othello. I wish I was more literary; I can tell I would enjoy shakespeare after a few years of heavy reading.

My life is a boring piece of shit. The blue sky keeps catching my eye, and I long to go play on the swings. Oh, to have no duties, what a lovely dream.
kiss me

[01 Apr 2006|04:01pm]
Rock climbing is really fun.
Everyone should do it
I go almost every day, which isn't too good for my muscles (stupid human body) but I am advancing.
Oh how I advance.
It is almost scary.
Already, I have reached about 5.10a after 3 weeks now
Starting at a shitty 5.6
Doesn't that make me feel good?

Better than finishing an essay.
kiss me

Well [08 Mar 2006|03:52pm]
I just deleted all my old friends, communities that somewhat reminded me of the lifestyle I led for 2 years, and today or tomorrow I am going to change the layout.

Today I had a pretty boring day. Life is just ordinary; however my friend Emily and I have signed up to a rock climbing gym! It will be quite interesting. I plan on going 3-4 times every week. I used to climb often when I was younger, so hopefully I can enjoy myself alot!

It's also exciting that I found my favorite pencil after I thought I lost it. And dust is collecting all over my lonely guitar... I bet its so out of tune =\ Time to practice!

I have 2 tests tomorrow. I seriously cannot wait until grade 11, because these are my courses:

english 11
math 11
civics 11 (political science)
chemistry 11
physics 11
french 11
phsychology 11
film studies 11

So yah, woopee!!! I want to reccommend a book I'm reading called all about love by bell hooks. It's full of her insight and different situations and ideas about what love is; I agree with her when she says that love is about extending ones desire to nurture oneself or another in order for that person to grow as a human being.
kiss me

Hi... [07 Mar 2006|06:17pm]
I deleted for awhile.. Asked my mom to hide my scale..

Anyways, what ended up happening was that I got my act together. If I ever slightly overate, I didn't get upset but just exercised more. Now, I have no idea what I weight, but I'm guessing its between 125-130 and my clothes fit okay now.

So, I would like to say goodbye to this lifestyle. I'll leave all my ana communities and start newqer, different entries. I'm tired of being so self-obsessed - I need some happiness in my life, and I deserve it. I definately crave intellect more than a desire to be thin; not everyone can be intelligent.
2 kisses|kiss me

Homework [21 Feb 2006|04:19pm]
... will be the death of me. I am so tired of it! Today it was 1200 cals, but I can't workout because of so much homework/ tests. I did get 93% in my math test today which is nice. I'm going to weight tomorrow to find out how much I lost, but I won't give up if its not much... But it has to be some. (I mean, come on!) at least 2-3 pounds.. Though I am expecting more.
1 kiss|kiss me

I'm a fuck up. [02 Feb 2006|09:51pm]
my midterms are tomorrow, 2 infact.

but im gonna fast.

I miss myself.
3 kisses|kiss me

YAY! [17 Dec 2005|10:52am]
My surgery is coming up in 2 days!!! I got my weight up to 129, and thankfully I can stop now, although my body craves bad food, I will not give in.

It takes 21 days to break the habit, so I'll be eating healthy foods for the next 21 days.. so fat, no junk today, and there won't be any :)

I'll post some before pictures tomorrow or later tonight - the next time I update will be in two days after my surgery! I bet I will be very tired from the anesthesia, so we shall see if its not 3 days.

So, the day food cravings should stop is at: January 6, 2006. So everything will be splendid by then! I really dislike having all this body fat on me, but I'm pretty much going into starvation after surgery.. and this was the minimum I needed.

I'm a bit nervous.. but I know everything will be okay! Wish me luck! New nose, here I come!

// Also, yay, school is over until january 3. I told the majority of people at school, but some will be surprised. Some thing I'm stupid already, and lots of people say "why are you getting it?" It's obviously because I hate my nose with passion... so why ask? It bothers me.
3 kisses|kiss me

[ viewing | most recent entries ]